Two months and counting

I hate to leave something hanging, like my little bloggy here. I'm nowhere near done with this journey. I'm still eating about 90-95% "paleo." For any newbies to that way of thinking, it is basically meat + veggies with a little fruit thrown in. There are different interpretations of it. I have added in a little dairy (usually just some real dairy coffee creamer and some cheese here and there). About once a week, I'll have some rice or corn chips. That may change at some point, but for now that's what I can live with. I'm not militant about soy consumption, but don't use any at home. However, if there's some in my chicken at Qdoba, I'm not freaking out about it. I'm eating a salad instead of cheese-laden nachos, so it's got to be better.

Winner, winner chicken dinner
I have lost a total of about 11.5 pounds since the beginning of Sept., but even without that, I generally feel much better. Sometime in the past two weeks or so (can't nail down exactly), I have realized that the pain in my hands is gone. They are a little stiff when I wake up, but I don't have pain or any shooting pains throughout the day!!! That is huge. I was to the point of hurting just trying to wash my hair in the shower.

Real-world obstacles
My struggles really seem to be when I want a quick lunch out because I'm running errands. I'm used to eating in the car on my way to/from somewhere, and it's really difficult to eat a salad while driving! I always have to be thinking ahead to bring leftovers, or if there aren't any to pull together a salad option. I still crave french fries. I've had them about once in the past month. They are good. I cannot tell a lie. I have a little dark chocolate from time to time. The good thing about high-cocoa dark chocolate is that you don't really WANT to eat a lot of it. Potlucks and social gatherings are also tricky. It may be that I BYOB (banana) or eat before I go.

I had a Papa John's pizza last week. My first real pizza in over two months. Pizza is the reason I put off doing any of this for so long. I thought a life without pizza was no life at all. Turns out I was wrong. First of all, the pizza I ordered was not the pizza I got. BOOOOO! And second, I felt all heavy and crappy and acid-reflux-y all night. I just feel better when I eat veggies and lean meat.

Surprises
I ate brussel sprouts and cauliflower as my side dishes last night, which made up half my plate. Jerod really likes the way those taste. I admit they weren't as bad as I thought they might be. Don't go calling me a raging fan or anything, but we can put them in the rotation.

So that's where I am two months out. When I have a bad eating day, I go back toward the whole 30 way, with very little sugar, dairy, etc. for a few days to reset. I've pretty much banned gluten, though I'm planning to eat dressing on Thanksgiving. It's just easier for me to make a hard rule and follow it. Gluten seems a good place to land.

Thanks for cheering me on!

Reintroduction--Fast Food

Except, that wasn't on the plan! True confessions, here. I really have so little desire to reintroduce legumes. I am thinking I'll do another whole 30 challenge in January to reset after the holidays. Perhaps I'll "reintroduce" legumes at that time. I don't care for most beans. Black beans are about my only bean-consumption beyond soy and peanuts. There are so many other options for peanuts out there, that I really don't need those. Soy is inevitable in some ways. Maybe not at home, but try finding a grilled chicken out there in restaurant-land that doesn't have soy. About impossible. So, if I have a legume or soy issue, it will have to wait to be found out. I don't use soy at home, and try to avoid it as much as possible, but again, we have to live life too. Soy happens.

About that fast food. Yes, yesterday I went through a drive thru. I got a hamburger and french fries. It's been well over forty days. There are no excuses. I'd love to say it tasted horrible and made me feel like crap. Except that wouldn't really be true. I had planned to eat the burger without the bun, at least. But as the slippery slope often happens, I ate the glutenous bun as well. I'd love to say I felt itchy and sluggish, but I didn't really. Though, I know that that is not good fuel. So, no more fast food for a lonnnnnggggg while. I just can't say forever. But for the foreseeable future, unless it is a salad without extra "junk" on it, we'll just steer the car home for lunch.

Which brings me to an obstacle that I'm not sure I can fix. I am just a bad cook. I'm not great at planning the meals. I scour pinterest (filthy liar) and blogs and cookbooks. I pin "the world's greatest chicken!" and make it, and...meh. I think Husband makes the world's greatest chicken, frankly. It's just that by the time we get home, he preps the chicken and makes it and we sit and eat, Little Guy has tried to clean out all the fruit and chex mix because he has a hollow leg to fill and it's all of 7 o'clock and time for bath, etc. So, I have tried to prep stuff the night before. But I cannot deal with raw chicken unless it's with tongs and baggies. There is no trimming it. So, I can make beef ok, if I work around touching it. Pot roast is probably the only thing I generally do well. I killed some meatloafs this week. Like terrible. Like, that beef was sad it became meatloaf. The chicken last night was edible, but definitely NOT the "world's best." I am good at following directions, I watch cooking shows to see what kinds of spices and seasonings go with what...I just don't have the knack. And it's incredibly frustrating. So, when there's nothing prepared or easily accessible, I really just want to eat something fast and easy. I need to look into how to make that happen. Protein is the obstacle here. Protein and a cooking gene that missed a generation.

Days 26 - 30

Sorry. I did NOT fall off the wagon. Just had a few days at home when I wasn't able to get a post up, then days 28-29-30 were out of town.

I won't list everything I've eaten for the past five days...I will share a few challenges. It's pretty easy to keep this up at home. With the addition of a handful of convenience foods like sliced turkey, fruit and nuts and Larabars, I feel pretty confident a decent version of this is a good longer-term solution. Going out of town posed its own issues. My first meal out of town was Friday lunch at a restaurant. Almost nothing on the menu would be 100% compliant, but I opted for a chicken salad on green salad with my own dressing. Probably the mayo was made from soybean oil, but that was it. It was really, really good. It was hard to sit at a table with 10 other people, who ordered all manner of incredibly yummy looking foods. I think everyone at the table had something different, and it felt very sad to be relegated to four salads on the menu. That's just honesty.

I was fortunate to be a conference center for the remainder of the weekend, and had called ahead to work out "Shelley's diet" plates with them. It mostly consisted of their salad bar, and they'd bring me some really plain chicken breasts with a veggie cooked in olive oil. Friday night I had a sweet potato, so that was awesome. Again, it was difficult on Saturday night when they served fried okra. FRIED. OKRA. Maybe my favorite version of any vegetable. This morning, they had biscuits and gravy. I really don't eat that very often, but that would be my very favorite breakfast. I had to end well, though. Couldn't go blazing out on day 30, right?

My only area of non-compliance has been the occasional "something" in my coffee. I had no way to refrigerate my coconut creamer concoction, so I had a packet of sugar each day in my coffee. Bite me. I needed a cup o' joe. And I can't drink it black.

Impressions on Day 30:

I did it!! And it wasn't nearly the hardest thing I've done. Parenting is much harder! Meal planning will always be my nemesis, but at least I've been able to look into a new category of menus and meals. I don't have crazy cravings, and the fact that I've been able to turn down foods for 30 days that I wouldn't have thought twice about eating before is monumental for me. Saturday night, there was a bonfire with s'mores. And not just any s'mores, like Ghiradelli and nutella and caramel s'mores. And giant marshmallows...and my dinner had been crappy...and I was REALLY hungry, and there were just s'mores everywhere. The smell! I nearly had to curl up and rock myself.

I'd be lying if I said this experience wasn't a little isolating. Our society does somewhat revolve around shared meals and foods. I enjoy talking about why I'm doing all this, but in a group setting, sometimes I just wanted to eat what I wanted to eat and not be all special.

Tomorrow I get to have DAIRY. My block of cheddar (not that I'm eating it all) is ready, as is my natural cream/milk/sugar coffee creamer. I'm pretty sure that unless my intestines just explode that I will still want some sort of creamer. I'm stoked about dairy day. I am supposed to otherwise eat "clean." Just add dairy to my entire day. Will have to watch sugar, as I don't want that to creep back in.

DAY 30!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day Twenty-Four (Monday)

Today is my last Monday. Well, my last Monday on Whole 30. Though, I kind of am seeing myself doing some version of this long-term. My inflammation hasn't quieted down, which is sad. I was hoping to see a tangible result in that arena. There is information to support a few other foods as inflammatory, such as eggs and nightshades (more on nightshades here). But for the sake of finishing, I am going to explore those in about two weeks. I don't think I'm the type to eat chicken and greens for breakfast. Breakfast really is the hardest meal. Not only do I not want to eat in the morning, there aren't many compliant foods that are healthy and get your protein going.

Ate:

• Spinach and eggs. Key Lime Larabar. I might need to learn how to make my own Larabars, or buy them in bulk. I try not to have one every day.
• EarthFare salad bar with spinach, oranges, strawberries, chicken + my own dressing with a few steamed veggies (and a $2 off coupon!)
• Some roasted cashews (compliant!!!)
• STEAK. I admit it. I love some beef. Jerod grilled rib-eyes. And some squash and peppers. Gosh, steak is yummy. I probably ate a little too much of it.

Impressions:

My last three days on whole 30 will be on a retreat. The good thing is, our meals are provided by an on-site cafeteria, and they're willing to work with dietary needs. I HATE being "that person" who has a list of issues. But, I will need a source of protein and vegetables that aren't soaked in butter. There aren't fridges in the room (though they offered me one--how nice!), so I'm stocking up on some fruit and nuts and Larabars for snacks. I'm fairly sure they have a salad bar, so I'll bring my own dressing. Should be interesting, to say the least. There's really nowhere to eat out that's 100% compliant and tasty. Every salad dressing served in public has soybean oil and sugar in it. And you really aren't talking to nutritionists when you ask servers and cashiers what's in the food. Most of them just shrug when you ask about gluten (what's that?) or soy. Lots of places have online allergens listed, and gluten, soy and dairy are generally listed. But there's really no way to know if stuff has sugar in it. Meats are glazed in it, MSG isn't always listed, and a whole host of other preservatives and chemicals. Not that I'll never eat out again, by any stretch; but this has been eye-opening in the sense of how much "cleaner" I can eat at home. That said, the move away from convenience foods is also a major challenge. I have no idea what's for dinner tomorrow night. We have salad, asparagus, and some ground beef on deck. What in the world sounds good with those components? I constantly have to think ahead to make sure I can stay on track. Hopefully, once we get a decent rotation of meals, I can look more toward planning out menus. Still not very good at that. SIX MORE DAYS!!!!

Day Seventeen. (Monday)

Did you enjoy yesterday's Bon Jovi sing along? 'Cause I did. Today, I kind of feel like playing some "Rocky" theme song. I am kickin' this whole 30 thing in the TEETH. Boo ya. And stuff. Still trying to reconcile the fact that I know in my knower that I feel much better. It doesn't seem to take me until 10 am to wake up mentally. But the rub lies in the fact that in my food-craver, I still dream about October 10th, when I am able to eat a slice of pizza. Yes, the date is marked on the calendar. Me and Papa John or somebody are going to have a party. And I'm guessing that after 34 or so days with no wheat, it might make me sick. And then I get sad. Roller coaster. I probably shouldn't be obsessing about what I can have on October 10. I should probably get thinking about what we're having for dinner, say...tonight, since I have no plan for that. EarthFare is running specials on all kinds of food I don't like lately, like kombucha and lobster tails. What up, EarthFare? How about some pastured beef? Hmmm? Help a sister out.

So yeah. My meal-planner seems to be broken. I need to call out a repairman. The problem with meal planning isn't so much the planning as the execution. I mean, I have to go to a store on my lunch break, hunt for things, and then make food. My success rate on new things is pretty low, so I am usually disappointed. Also, we are usually famished by the time the meal is ready. And Shepard is full of pretzels, because he just can't wait. Bless him. Clearly, the solution here is to hire a chef.

Ate:

• Some eggs. With spinach and green onions. And some grapes. One day I'll branch out, but these are fairly fast and easy.
• CHICKEN SALAD (recipe)! This is a recipe I've been making for years, and all I had to do was make some mayo so it would work. Ate it with a green salad. Do note, this chicken salad is good when you make it, but the magical curry morphs it overnight into a thing of beauty.
• Had a banana and almonds, because I can barely make it to 6 pm without some true hunger.
• Leftover spaghetti squash and marinara/meat sauce. (While husband and little man had pizza! The smell.)

Impressions:

This whole thing is supposed to break food addictions. Even though I wouldn't classify my food thoughts as true cravings, I do think a lot about sharp cheddar and other no-no's. I don't think there's a magic button that will turn that off. I don't lunge at cupcakes, but then, I never have. I am not allowed to get near potato chips (maybe ever), and I really really want some chips and salsa. So, I'm not sure if it's working on my brain. I just have to keep telling myself that after this, I can maintain about an 85-90% paleo eating plan and have one day when I eat some things I miss. Keeping it in a one-day limit should set some firm boundaries for me. And still, need to have my pizza with a large side salad. Also, need to find a portable salad dressing container, 'cause I am not eating commercial salad dressing. (and as soon as I write that, I think longingly of really good blue cheese dressing...sigh)

Surprises:
There was homemade pumpkin dip with graham crackers and 'nilla wafers at small group tonight. And I had water. Cue Rocky theme.

When the going gets tough...

...the tough eat spinach.

An emotional response to this whole 30 thing.

One can't underestimate the emotional hold of eating. Perhaps it doesn't affect you. I doubt it. At least an alcoholic or drug addict has the tiniest ray of hope that they can eradicate the offending substance from their lives and move into the land of healthy. I don't have that hope. I have to eat. I have to face food at least three times a day and make choices it about all in between. Of course, I'm hyper-focused right now, but if I don't hyper-focus, then I end up at Cookout for a burger and fries. If I pretend it's not there, I eat what makes me happy. If I hyper-focus though, I have to DEAL with what comes up.

I'm a little manic today. My much-hoped-for blueberry breakfast was less than stellar. I've been planning it since Friday, and just today had the chance to make it. And now, I will eat it for the next three days because I made it, it's suitable, and I don't want to waste.
I'm grieving. Seriously, grieving. I lived in the first step: denial and isolation for many years. In denial that my situation is something I can control...even if I kinda believe it in my head, my actions don't show it. Isolation is in my head, but something I struggle with every day. Feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not anything enough and all because I can't seem to control what I put in my mouth. While all around, the super-fit and disciplined seem to have it all together.

Anger and bargaining almost go hand in hand right now. I'm angry that I have to care about all this. I'm angry that my body is mad at me. I'm angry that I can't be a tiny, healthy person without trying. And angry at myself that it's this hard. And bargaining...maybe if I just add a salad to every meal? What if I just drink veggie-fruit smoothies most of the time? I tell myself it's too much to think about. Everything I read tells me something different. Acrylamides are going to kill me. Gluten is wreaking havoc on my blood sugar and intestines. Dairy causes bloating and is only best for baby cows. Brussel sprouts forever! So I bargain, if you can't sort out what is good for you and not good for you, eat what makes you happy, right? Would I trade a year of life for potato chips? When you put it that way, it sounds terrible. Then you have to factor in quality of life. Medication, chronic pain...which leads us to our fourth step of grieving....depression.

(are we having fun yet?) Depression in non-food terms is the feeling of being overwhelmed, sometimes to the point of emotional paralysis. As if ocean waves just keep coming at you and you are unable to get up and get down the beach. You just sit there and let them roll over you, hoping you don't drown and hoping someone notices you and helps.

And I'm back to the I HATE FOOD. I HATE IT. I HATE THINKING ABOUT IT. I HATE HOPING FOR DIFFERENT RESULTS. I HATE BEING FAT. I HATE COMPARING MYSELF TO HEALTHY PEOPLE. I HATE FOOD.

I hate that it is so polarizing. I hate that some pizza really does make me feel better. What's so wrong about that? Everything, say the experts. We shouldn't let food control us emotionally. Of course not. But it does. When do you ever get the acceptance point? When will I not want to eat a turkey sub and eggplant parmesan? I cannot imagine that day.

So, today. I'm mad at food. I'm mad at food marketers, like those low-fat yogurt people who make you think they're making health food. I'm mad at Italian people for everything they've ever made except salami. I'm really mad at Mexican people who gave us chips and salsa with cheese dip. I'm mad at fast food for being fast and accessible and finger-lickin' good. I'm mad at America for being so rich that we can jack with our food sources, strip the nutrition out of everything and sell it for profit. I'm mad. I'm mad that I want to eat junk.

Clearly, I have some work to do. But, after reading lots of varying opinions about this eating plan and that eating plan this morning, I'm just overwhelmed.

What I know: eliminating sugar and processed foods from my diet is good. Yes and amen.
What I'm trying to know: does my body like dairy and grain? Or can I live without it?
What I don't want to know: that I can never eat pizza again because it will make me sick.
What I also know: fruits and vegetables are healthy. I need them. This plan is helping me with that.
What I don't have to know now: On October 17 (roughly the end of 40 days), I can make new decisions based on the information I glean. Hopefully, with less emotional dependency on food. I don't have to decide TODAY how I will eat FOREVER. Baby steps.

Whew. OK. Just writing that all out makes me feel less manic. For lunch, I was really, really hungry. I drove home, knowing that there are TWELVE fast-food restaurants in the four miles between my work and home. There was no one to see me "do it." I could eat whatever I wanted and satisfy my wild cravings. But that is just like any other day in my life, right? I always have the choice. I might have made two slices of bacon to go with my giant spinach, apple, walnut salad. And the bacon was emotional today. But I didn't bust out the tortilla chips to have with Jerod's fresh salsa (oh the agony) or eat any of the salt and pepper potato chips in the pantry (it would have been ALL, let's face it). I didn't because I'm taking baby steps. That's all I can do. So, I'm still on plan. I'm less sane. But on plan.

Last Hurrahs and Obstacles

I'm fairly sure this whole 30 thing is going to be way more mental than physical. I first read it about it in early summer and thought of lots of reasons not to do it "just yet." There's never going to be a good or easy time to do it.

But it is good for me to have some ramp-up time. For one, I've been working on my "before" picture, as they say. Eating my favorites this week. That goes to show what kind of psychological hold food has on me. "Just one last pizza...just one last cheeseburger..." It's only 30 days! And...it's 30 whole days, y'all!

Not actual food I ate, but I'm not opposed to it, either.

My main obstacle is time. 

I don't carve out a lot of time for meal planning and prep as it is. When I ever do, life is so much easier. But it's something I hate. I can never think of good things and when I try to do some new pinterest recipe, I usually end up with a "pinstrosity."

The plan: 
I hope to counteract this with some pre-planning and menu-gathering. I'll share that in my first few days of the program. I'm trying to find as many crock-pot recipes as I can. If there's something already cooked when I get home, I'm a LOT less likely to reach for the chips. And I'm sooo hoping that my insatiable carb cravings get ousted. Also, I'm going to hunt in EarthFare for some approved frozen meals, and have a few stand-by options for desperation.
The good news is, EarthFare is about 1/4 mile from my office. If I really get in a pinch, I can go there for a fresh salad. And pretend I don't see the pasta. STARING. AT. ME.

My next obstacle is feeding Shepard. 

While I don't think this is a bad eating plan for a pre-schooler (maybe we'll try some fun new veggies together!), I also know that this child love him some rice, tortillas, chex mix, etc. So, those things will be in the house.

The plan:
My menu planning thus far is attempting to make something we can both eat, then let Jerod and Shepard have the noodles, rice, crackers or whatever would go with it. I'm also trying to make week 1 have some fairly common foods, so it doesn't feel so drastic.

My last and maybe most daunting obstacle is stuff I just don't like. 

Mushrooms, olives, seafood, brussel sprouts, cooked greens, most raw vegetables...seriously. Jerod is soo on board with this, but he is begging me not to eat green beans and broccoli every night.

The plan:
My goal is to try lots of new things once I get the hang of it all, so by week 2 start adding in some options (with back-ups in case they're gag-a-rific). I really don't think I'll ever be able to eat a mushroom, but I'm trying hard to keep options open.

Last night's dinner was a last hurrah combined with a so-so salad. The salad was fantastic, but the dressing will have to go (has some sugar) and the feta cheese will have to go. I can have strawberries and walnuts though! And I'm pretty sure the homemade macaroni and cheese "that I made for Shepard," wink wink is way off-limits. By the way, Shepard would not eat any of the mac-n-cheese. ?? But he had some turkey pepperoni, sweet potato chips and two bananas. Whatever!

So thanking God I gave up sodas in January. We're not talking yet about how I'll get my coffee fix in the morning, but at least I don't have to battle soda addiction as well. Black coffee? I put enough stuff in my coffee that you wouldn't know it's coffee anymore. Sigh.

I won't lie. I did not eat the raw carrots. Gack. But I am going to see what I can "hide" them in for the course of this challenge.