Why am I doing this? Why? Why?

 Why would anyone go on such a restrictive eating plan?

The short answer is: I am unhealthy and in pain.

But behind any good short answer is a longer one.

• Over 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with PCOS. It's a metabolic syndrome that affects about 1 in 10 women. It jacks with your hormones and blood sugar, and can lead to heart disease and diabetes. NO FUN!

•  I am now 30-50 pounds overweight. And let me just tell you how awesome it feels to type that out and see it on a screen. (not awesome, if you're keeping score at home) Lack of discipline, excuses, weariness, whatever...thankfully, when I look in the mirror I don't see obese. But the facts are there. And when I see photos of myself I die inside.

• The universe is conspiring against me. In November, I started experiencing stiffness in my hands and knees and lots of numbness in my hands. In December, my middle finger swelled up and stayed that way for three months. I went to the orthopedic doc in January. In March, I went to my internist with a list of issues. She did blood work, and called to tell me I tested positive for lupus. (The nurse failed to tell me that didn't mean I HAD lupus=FAIL!!!!!) Thank God my smart brother is a doctor, and helped me sort out what that meant.

• March and April and July have me meeting with a rheumatologist and doing blood work to determine that I have some kind of systemic inflammation (arthritis), but not lupus or rheumatoid arthritis. My hands are still numb a LOT. I have to take daily medication for this, and I'm concerned about the long-term effects.

• Speaking of smart brothers...my brother decided to go vegan last fall and is doing remarkably well, eliminating the need for high blood pressure medication that moderate healthy diet and exercise weren't keeping at bay. So, sis-in-law and my parents have all gone vegan. (Did I mention that no one told me about this until AFTER I ordered the super-deluxe Omaha Steaks package for my Dad's Christmas gift??) They are all eating better and doing well. 

•  If my Dad can lose 31 pounds after a life of cheeseburgers 4x a week (maybe I exaggerate, but the man can put away some food) and be mostly-vegan, surely but surely I can eat better!!!

• Then, I had either a bad cheeseburger dream or a gift from God in the night. Or both. In December, I was coming home from Charlotte late one evening. I had only snacked at dinner-time and was quite hungry. The golden arches were the first thing I saw upon coming off my exit, so I pulled in and got a happy meal. I don't generally eat at McDonald's very much, even though I do love their half-sweet and half-unsweet tea. Man. That junk tasted so good. I felt a little guilty, and went to bed. I dreamed that night that I was in the hospital with some unknown illness. It was several days, and no one could or would tell me what was wrong. Finally, three doctors came into my room to give me the news. I was prepared for something terrible. They all sat down and carefully and quietly told me that the problem was I needed to lose 30 pounds. I stared at them incredulously. You hospitalized me for this!? They were very serious...and I was angry. I mean, I KNEW I was fat. I didn't THEM to tell me. (or did I?) Then, I woke up. And that dream has stuck with me.

• Finally, I have been on mild depression drugs since after Shepard was born. And knowing what I know now about how they make me feel, I probably needed them in college. I'm just so much steadier and less moody. The whole house can probably tell when I accidentally skip a dose or two. Sweet husband knows, for sure. I'd really like to see if I can regulate this issue with diet...killing the ups and downs of blood sugar and sacrificing my need desire for salty, chip-like snack foods.

 Here are someone else's 30 reasons to do Whole 30. I thought they were pretty good. Who doesn't want to sleep better?